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Find joy

As a couples coach, I often encounter couples who are trapped in unhelpful communication and behavior patterns.
They deeply long for change but lack the concrete tools and insight needed to break the negative spiral.
My experience shows that even the most ingrained problems can be solved when the couple is motivated and willing to learn new strategies.

A Silent Crisis and the Path to Change

Ann and John, both in their mid-forties, came to me because they felt they were living parallel lives. Their relationship lacked spark and emotional depth; it felt more like a cohabitation than a partnership. Ann craved deeper connection, while John felt inadequate and lost the desire to initiate. The strained dynamic also affected their children, who exhibited increased attention-seeking behavior, further draining Ann's energy. They were both tired of taking each other for granted and longed to rediscover the love and respect they once shared.

It is important to remember that a relationship is not meant to cover all your emotional and physical shortcomings – that would create a dependency. Instead, disagreements and differences are natural and healthy; they offer opportunities for learning and growth.

New Structure, New Habits: The Foundation for Connection

Our first step was to establish a safe foundation. We began with a free clarifying conversation, where each partner had the opportunity to express their perspective without feeling criticized. This initial dialogue was an eye-opener for both of them, as they heard each other's frustrations and desires expressed in a neutral space.

A crucial part of our work involved restructuring their daily routines, as a busy everyday life and unhelpful habits often wear down marriages. We introduced new morning and evening rituals, including the concept of 'slusetid' (transition time). In the morning, they committed to waking up at the same time and eating breakfast with a focus on each other, without distractions from TV, newspapers, or mobile phones. This contributed to a more attentive and present start to the day.

Evenings were divided into five parts: first, 'slusetid' to welcome the returning partner and create connection; then family time with cooking and eating with mutual focus; followed by alone time for individual interests; and finally, dedicated couple time, where they sat together – perhaps just holding hands or talking in peace and presence. The day ended by going to bed at the same time and expressing gratitude for each other.

This new structure, although it initially felt artificial, quickly created a noticeable positive effect, also for the children, who became less attention-demanding. It showed them that even small adjustments and new habits, practiced consistently, can make a big difference.

The Magic of Conscious Communication with Couples Coaching

Communication is key in a relationship. My role in coaching for par is primarily to teach couples to communicate better so they can solve most of their problems themselves. Ann and John found it difficult to speak directly without it being perceived as criticism. To address this, I used the Acknowledging Self-Responsible Dialogue (ASD) as well as occasional "private" conversations, where I led the conversation with one partner while the other listened. This created a confidential space where they could express vulnerable topics, and I could 'translate' the partner's intentions, removing a filter.

A central element of our work was teaching them the "Three-step rocket" to get their wishes fulfilled:

1. Define: Gain clarity on what you want, expressed positively (e.g., more presence, appreciation).
2. Speak from yourself: Use "I"-statements, avoid "you," demands, or blame, and use 'feeling-words' (e.g., "I would like to have my neck massaged").
3. Ask a short, concrete question: An open, non-manipulative question like "Will you do that for me?" It is important to follow all three steps in order, otherwise it can sound like an order.

They practiced this diligently. For example, Ann learned to tell John that when she needed to 'go into the well' (a metaphor for talking about her feelings), it wasn't his fault, and she instructed him on what she needed – e.g., that he should just listen without offering solutions. John, in turn, learned to express how long he needed to retreat to his 'cave,' which created security for Ann. They learned that it was often necessary to do the opposite of what felt natural to achieve the desired results. It's not about being right, but about achieving understanding and respect for each other, despite the different logics between the masculine and the feminine.

A Flourishing Relationship: Lasting Results of Our Work